ESSAY ON JOSHUA AND NESS (AND BONUS ISSHIN)

[tenshinoakuma]

tasogareika'S FAULT. Probably don't need to say this, but TST!verse.

I'm likely going to be retracing some old steps but whatev, I guess it's time for a refresher.

First thing's first: Ness has changed Joshua.

Joshua didn't want that, never did. And that was one of the reasons Joshua kept on running away. If we take a step back and consider Joshua before he met Ness, he was someone who was essentially alone. "No man's an island", but Joshua tried to be that island, even though he thinks other people could do with realising they were never alone. A lot of his issues stem from his early childhood, with the ghost friend who turned against him, and the other children who ostracised him because he was kind of weird, talking about ghosts and spirits like he could see them. Even though he says he trusts people, the truth is that he doesn't trust; he only fails to be surprised when people act exactly the way he predicts them to. He had a complete inability to talk to other people about his problems or his feelings, partially because he feared being pushed away when he voiced them. But being alone while surrounded by so many people turned into bitterness, and that was when Joshua started building that asshole personality, so that his ostracisation was something that was on his own terms.

And hey, it felt good seeing the immediate outcome of his actions.

It felt good being in control.

The only things one can be in control of are one's own actions. And Joshua here likes being in control of himself, which allows him to calmly assess and manipulate the people around him. Joshua saw the 'stupid' things people did because they let their feelings and emotions and attachments get the better of them. He didn't want to be like that, and swore to himself he wouldn't let himself get blinded like those other people. And while that allowed him to cultivate a certain amount of level-headedness in stressful situations, he'd keep everyone at arms' length and no closer. Mmm it's a little hard to describe this because the logic behind his solo mindset and his lack of trust and outright refusal to change for other people is really circular, and when you step back and look at it, it doesn't make any sense at all. And then you factor in pride and social things, sorta like how boys aren't supposed to cry because that makes them wusses, except instead of that it's more like, guys aren't supposed to talk about their feelings because that makes them a sissy. Guys are supposed to be strong! Independent! Don't need no support! It's a social thing that when pointed out, is laughed at as ridiculous, but it's still something that can still subtly permeate the mind, and even Joshua wasn't immune to it.

Anyway tl;dr, Joshua flies solo because he wants to be in control and stubbornly refuses to let anyone get close enough to take away his self-control.



He meets Ness. This young thing who was so similar yet so different to him. This young thing who, despite Joshua's efforts to discourage him, reaches out to Joshua and tries to bridge the gap Joshua puts between himself and everyone around him. Having someone care for him in such a way despite his dickishness... it was new and scary and to be honest Joshua's initial feelings about Ness once things started between them was like having a fire in his room and having no idea where the fire extinguisher was. So the smart thing (at least in Joshua's book) was to withdraw, put distance, and maybe the fire would go out.

The thing is, it didn't.

If anything, he'd just fanned the flames as time went by, and as he got to know Ness more and more, Joshua found the distance between them was slowly but surely closing. It was scary ! Super scary ! But not entirely unwanted, because as much as Joshua was loath to admit, being alone kiiind of sucks. Bottling everything up in aboslute secrecy, really, really sucks. And just having someone there who... wasn't angry at the things Joshua said, even curious and willing to listen to Joshua... it was nice. And slowly, he found himself trusting in Ness, because no matter what he did, Ness had still stuck by him. Well, aside from that fling with Hana but Ness had come back to him anyway. It still irks him, though. And it was comforting to know that, especially when Joshua himself is such a creature full of flights of fancy. That, no matter the new and exotic things he does, there would always be a Ness there that provides his anchor.

Of course, when he realised that, even that scared Joshua, because if Ness suddenly stopped being that anchor, whether it's because Ness has finally had enough of Joshua's shit, or because Ness just... up and died on him, Joshua's lost a significant connection. And that scares Joshua because he's realised that goddammit he can't say that he won't change for anyone anymore, and the fact that Ness is significant to him now means that he doesn't feel in control of everything about himself. But he doesn't want to lose that. That feeling of being connected, with not just Ness, but with the Winding Way as well, and working for something more than just himself.

blah blah something about being possessive blah

It started out as something of a crush, and in typical Joshua fashion, the answer was to run away and hope it goes away. But it didn't. Not with the affection Ness gave him. And... it's like that realisation I had as a kid, when watching insects struggle and squirm was no longer fascinating, but sickening. Joshua's realisation that sometimes he took messing with peoples' heads too far. Just not wanting to seriously emotionally upset Ness (being a horrible gremlin is still a-okay however) and by association the people Ness cares about (which is, unfortunately, everyone). I guess you could say on Joshua's side, the romance only truly started when Joshua started considering Ness as something he couldn't afford to lose. Even though Joshua seems pretty much jerkass as usual on the outside, the truth is that Joshua's still confused and freaked out about... pretty much everything in this relationship. Why he's even in it, where they are, where they're going, etc. etc. But he has to admit, that even though Ness didn't seek to change Joshua, the change in Joshua was simply a consequence of their interaction. I think the most significant things that've come from all this are that he's (very slowly) allowing himself to form attachments with other people, allowing just a little more trust, letting people in, and trying really hard (not that you can tell :| ) to be less of a jerk.

tl;dr - Ness freaks Joshua out because Joshua can't run from his attachment and trust issues. But at the same time, Ness calms him because he's Joshua's constant when everything around him, both internal and external, are changing.



And along comes Isshin. GODDAMMIT ISSHIN /obligatory

If we step back into the past again, Isshin was one of the people Joshua was close to (at least, as close as he would allow), the other being Mr. H. Isshin was someone he could just be all (╯#ﾟ皿ﾟ)╯┴─┴ at with little repercussions from it. But Joshua would never, ever, talk about himself to Isshin. It was always about other people and why they suck, or just casual small talk. The biggest reason that Joshua still kept Isshin at a suitably lengthy distance is that Isshin is an old fart. He couldn't get comfortable with Isshin the way he did with Ness because he's old (and smelly) and speaks in that kind of voice full of the wisdeom from someone who's been there before. In some ways... Joshua feels like he's being talked down at. Not in a particularly irritating way, but in a 'someone who knows more than me' way. Uh. Basically Joshua doesn't view his relationship with Isshin as equal, and because of that, he's loath to really talk about things. As such, Isshin is something of a weird mish-mash of a friend and parental figure to him, just with bonus distance.

That's the main difference between Isshin and Ness, for Joshua. The age, and the perceived (in)equality. In regards to Ness, it began where Joshua was in a more superior position, teaching Ness about life and the world, but when Joshua found himself being changed by Ness and kind of falling headlong into this relationship, the tables equalised. Even though Ness is now Joshua's magic teacher, Joshua views them as being equal, because even though Ness flusters him, Joshua can easily fluster Ness as well. That they both aren't really sure where they're going so they're both just fumbling their way around life and this relationship. Isshin, however, comes from a more 'superior' position, having all those years of experience and wisdom and whatev, and sometimes Joshua's loath to consult that because sometimes Isshin says things he doesn't want to hear. And sometimes, he doesn't understand what Isshin is trying to tell him, so he's a bit ??? and sort of shrugs it off.

EVEN THOUGH HE WANTS TO THROW A TABLE AT YOU RIGHT NOW, he still... sort of cares for you. Because he knows he can kick back and shoot the breeze with Isshin whenever he feels like it. And years of doing so cultivates a form of attachment. Except Joshua was a little 8| at Isshin for not telling him when he decided to close his clinic in Joshua and travel. He was looking forward to saying hi, too B(

tl;dr - Isshin makes a very bad partner for Joshua because he's an old fart.



Also KB I kind of want that horrible Joshua/Isshin thing to be canon. Because if that's not an extremely trolly way to get Isshin off Joshua's back about having sex with Ness, I don't know what is.